Self evaluation, 8/1/16

I’ve been feeling lost about religion lately.  It’s been years since I truly felt “connected” to the Gods, years since I regularly felt their presence in my life.  It hurts.  It’s frustrating.  I know they’re there, though.  Every time I truly begin to doubt or the despair grows too strong, They make their presence know.  Just for a moment, just a tiny bit, just enough to show me, again, We Exist.  I’m blessed that they give me that and I’m grateful beyond words.

After a couple years of floundering and clinging to Wicca styled worship, I tried strict reconstruction for a couple years… at first it really helped.  Learning how the Theoi were originally worshiped, how they originally revealed themselves to humanity, has been beautiful, fulfilling and rewarding.  But the feeling of “rightness” didn’t extend to the actual practice.

I still think a lot of that information is important to Their worship and there are plenty of parts I’m going to keep.  But for now… I need to go back to a semi-eclectic form of worship.  Just admitting that makes me feel dirty, tbh.  I’ve been railing against that for years- I don’t like the idea of not having structure, of just doing whatever you want and calling it worship.  Although that’s not what I intend to do, just veering off the beaten path makes me feel like I am.

I’m diving into the local focus polytheism stuff that’s been coming out the last couple years (that I’ve noticed, anyway).  I have no idea what my religious life will look like soon, if this will help me connect with Them, if it’ll make any difference.  I’m terrified.  I’m excited.  We’ll see where it takes me.

I turned 29 this summer.  My child is heading to kindergarten this fall.  I’m going back to school, to complete my BA in history.  Now is the time for change.  I think I’m long overdue.

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